Socialization: The False Narrative

“Socialize your children.” 

It is arguably the most often used phrase said to (and by) parents in America today. Yet somehow this phrase remains virtually unquestioned and uncriticized by most people. It’s just used and accepted to be the goal of every parent. Not only are parents not questioning or criticizing it, they often feel they have to defend themselves and their decisions regarding their child’s education based on this idea of “socialization”. I’ll stop here and point out that education is not socialization, so this alone is crazy talk. But it’s the crazy talk people are using so we have to address it. 

It is a common question and the most common concern I’ve heard people voice. The idea seems to be that “socializing” your kids has some weighted scale of acceptability and where you fall on it is the determining factor of your success as a parent. How many activities is your child in to prove they’re “socialized” enough? One is not really enough. Several will do. The only answer that will get a sigh of relief from these people is if you say you send them to school. PHEW! NOW they will be ok. NOW they are “socialized!” 

One thing we need to do is to ask people what they mean by that word. To be “socialized” is, in theory, to learn how to behave in polite society, how to interact and converse with people, and how to form good relationships. These are all things we have to teach. Water doesn’t rise about its own level as they say, and kids don’t know instinctually how to behave nicely, politely, and to interact well with each other. These aren’t animals who just run around doing everything on instinct (or shouldn’t be acting like animals and going off of instinct, I should say). They’re people. They’re people with a strong sinful nature and they’ll go along with that nature if they aren’t corrected and taught constantly to do otherwise. This means that we as the parents have to teach them how to talk and interact well with other people….which means you can’t just stick them in a group and walk away.

Interestingly, “socialization” according to Merriam-Webster is “the process beginning during childhood by which individuals acquire the values, habits, and attitudes of a society.” When a kid is “socialized” then, they’re actually learning VALUES, HABITS and ATTITUDES. Values, habits and attitudes are your direct responsibility as their parent. These are not things you leave up to other children or “chance”.  

When I look around, I see a bunch of kids whose parents have “socialized” them and they are the opposite of how I want my kids to be. The absolute opposite. They are not God fearing. They are not respectful or polite. They are not kind. They are not intelligent. They are not happy. They are not selfless. They can’t hold a conversation. They are crass. They are lazy. They actually don’t exhibit one single virtue or trait that would make me believe this socialization thing is working AT ALL. If you’re intellectually honest about the kids you have spoken with and see around (maybe even your own kids if you’ve raised them this way), then you will admit the same thing. 

We need to change this dialogue about socializing our kids. We need to stop accepting the word outright as being a good when it clearly isn’t. We need to ask questions and acknowledge the obvious truth we are seeing all around us.

What do they mean by “socializing”? Do they mean that your kid should be around other children at some point? No one would disagree with that and it can’t be helped either. You go to a park, there are other children. You go to church, there are other children. You go to the library, there are other children. You go to a sports game, walk the neighborhood, go to the pool, take a popular hiking trail, picnic, camp and there are children. If you live a life that isn’t totally reclusive in a diagnosed-mental-disorder kind of way, then your kids will have contact with other children at various times and they will meet good friends organically along the way. Not constantly. Not on a grand scale. But God will put the right people in their lives at the right time. This is just how it works when you live a normal life. But that isn’t what people mean by “socializing” children, and we all know it. 

What people mean when they use the word “socialize” is one of two things: either that kids should be around groups of kids their own age OR in school. As a matter of fact, the most common reason I’m told people send their children to school in the first place is NOT for the education, but for the “socialization”. 

The first idea that putting your child into a group of kids their own age is somehow intrinsically good on its own merit, stems from the belief that if children are shoved into groups of kids the same age, they will magically produce good behaviors, make fabulous friends, and be happy.

But that is not true. If you put your child into a group of other children it should be for a very limited time and for a very specific purpose (like Awana, a sports team, etc). It should NOT be because you believe groups of kids are inherently good. That’s laughable because they are the exact opposite. 

What intrinsic good is there in groups of kids being put together? No fairy tales here please. Don’t list things that sound good in theory but aren’t real. Name an actual, tangible, provable good that we all witness when we see a group of kids simply stuck together for extended periods, like in a school setting. 

Are they learning how to treat each other well when they’re in a group of kids? No. That’s painfully clear. The CDC published information from 2009-2021 showing that close to half of high school students had “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness”. But you don’t need studies to tell you the obvious. All you have to do is watch how they interact with each other and talk to these kids about their experiences in school with other children to hear about how abusive and destructive their behavior is towards each other. 

Do they learn to cooperate and work productively together? No. They learn how to be dominate or to be dominated, how to bully and how to be lazy and get away with it, how to work the system, etc. The sinful nature is very strong and “folly is bound up in the heart of a child” as Proverbs says, so without parental guidance and discipline there to direct them, that nature always takes over. Every time. 

Do they learn how to make friends?  We know this isn’t true across the board, thus why we have a massive increase in teen suicides across the United States and have been having this increase for years. We know that over a 10 year period ER visits for self-harm increased by 329% in the US, according to a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2020.

But even if it was true, why would you want your kid to just make any friend and not the RIGHT friends? “Bad company corrupts good character,” the Bible says. We all know very well that friends influence children ….a lot. We need to find friends for them that will support them and not undermine the Lord’s path for them. It’s about quality, not quantity. I’ve known parents who deeply regret allowing their children to have whichever friends have happened across their path, because those friends have led them down some very dark roads….some of which have been extremely destructive.

This word “socialization” is a powerful word because it brings with it false claims and obvious problems. The truth is that our kids need strong, solid families who guide them in their relationships so that they build firm, uplifting, edifying bonds with others.