Pickiness in childhood is common nowadays. In fact, it’s rare to come across a family where the kids aren’t picky. It has become a widely accepted part of raising children. It’s even amusing to many parents. ‘It’s so funny, I made a beautiful homemade meal the other night, and little Johnny refused to eat it. He just wanted mac and cheese! Haha! That’s all he ever wants, so I made him mac and cheese, but I told him, “You’re really missing out!”’ An impactful lesson for little Johnny, no doubt. Impactful not because he took the feeble attempt at a lesson to heart, but because he learned that he gets what he wants by digging his heels in and insisting on his own way.
Instead of parenting children towards good eating habits and ensuring they consume well-balanced diets for their growing bodies, many parents allow their children to make their own decisions in this area, decisions that can impact their physical and mental health well into adulthood. The long-term effects aside, the American Heart Association states,
“During childhood and adolescence, poor nutrition and low diet quality have been shown to harm brain development and cognitive function, leading to poor school performance. Research has shown that replacing simple carbohydrates or saturated fats with complex carbohydrates and healthy fatty acids could improve short-term memory in children. Other studies also have linked higher consumption of fish, vegetables and fruit, especially berries, to better academic achievement. Studies also have found a link between high consumption of fatty foods and sweetened drinks in childhood and problems with executive function, the skills needed for everyday tasks such as making plans, solving problems and adapting to new situations.”[1]
Now add to that the fact that patterns established in childhood are difficult to change in adulthood, and you have a monumental problem on your hands. Most of us have experienced this in our own lives or in the lives of those we love. The food we were given or allowed to eat while we were being raised, for better or for worse, is our default setting. We all know that habits are notoriously hard to break, but poor eating habits established during childhood become a lifelong challenge for many people.
Unbeknownst to children, they are being tasked with a monumental burden. Children are being expected to act like adults and make wise, mature decisions about one of the most fundamental aspects of their existence: their diet. And when they inevitably don’t make wise decisions, no one is there to steer them back to the right road. We don’t expect little kids to make mature decisions about literally anything else, but we do about food. As parents, we know it’s our job to ensure our children receive the things that benefit them, even if they don’t want or understand their need for those things at the time. For example, most parents set a bedtime for their children. They don’t leave it up to the child to decide if and when to go to bed. That would be foolish, and we all know what would happen.
Similarly, most parents rightly believe it’s their responsibility to ensure their children brush their teeth, get their hair cut, go to the doctor when they’re sick, take baths, change out of dirty clothes, and get an education—regardless of whether the child wants to or not. Additionally, good parents don’t let their children engage in risky or dangerous activities, even if the child wants to. They insist their child do what is safe. Why? Because the parent is wiser than the child and understands the future consequences of their behaviors. They understand that a child cannot fully grasp what could happen as a result of their desires. Essentially, the parent understands that the child is, well, still a child.
So, why is it that when a baby is learning to eat and we offer them a new, healthy fruit or vegetable, we watch them turn their head, purse their lips, and refuse to eat it, responding with an “oh well” and avoiding that food forever after? Interestingly, even the CDC has noted that it usually takes at least 10 tries for a child to learn to like a new food![2] Most parents won’t even attempt half of that! Regardless, however, we know that to be healthy, our children need to eat a well-balanced diet rich in fruits and vegetables. This, then, is what we need to parent them toward.
When introducing food to babies, I’ve seen parents offer something new and make a disgusted face while doing it, sending clear signals to their child about what their response should be. The child usually will comply and mimic the disgust right back to the parent. I’ve even seen a mom in a buffet line holding a toddler, and when the toddler reached for the carrots, she told the girl, “No, no, you hate carrots, remember?” And she refused to give her the carrots. Sadly, this happens more often than you might think. I’ve seen this scenario many times. Parents of picky kids often refer to their child’s pickiness as if it were a badge of honor. They will announce exactly what their child hates, even to people they’re just getting to know. The child’s pickiness is constantly reinforced by the unsuspecting parent.
Children often look to their parents to gauge their reactions and determine how they should respond. For example, if a stranger approaches you, the child will watch your face to see how you react and will base their response on yours. So, parents, I encourage you to view food positively in general. If you don’t care for something, keep that fact to yourself and be willing to eat it anyway. Eating what you’re served is actually a sign of maturity. Not everyone needs to hear your opinions about every type of food. And whether it’s common or not, it is rude to announce that you hate certain foods or find them gross. Usually, you’re criticizing a food that someone else enjoys or has taken time to prepare.
When introducing your child to a new food, always—always—speak positively about the food and use encouraging facial expressions. Tell them how tasty it is and assume they will respond positively to it. Instead of asking questions like, “What do you think?” or “Do you like it?” show them through your questions how they should feel about the food: “It’s delicious, isn’t it!? How amazing is that! YUM!”
Pickiness usually begins as a genuine concern or question that a child has about a certain kind of food. I understand. I have five children and have gone through this myself. But it is at that point that the parent must choose to respond positively, teaching the child to accept the food instead of encouraging the refusal. This is important for many reasons. First, you have asked them to eat it, and they need to obey you. This refusal is a form of defiance at its most basic level, and you need to address it as such. Second, when a child decides they won’t eat one type of food, they often start refusing other types as well. The child makes demands, and you, as the parent, must capitulate. They said no mushrooms at the last meal, and you served spaghetti sauce with tiny pieces of mushrooms in it. Gross. Take it away. They refuse to eat it, and they don’t care that you spent time making it; you should know better, Mom. Didn’t you listen well enough to my demands the other day? Do better, otherwise I won’t eat or I’ll throw a fit.
And the mother, instead of recognizing this act of defiance for what it truly is, pretends that food can’t fall into that category and believes she must comply. She simply must! Her child demands it! Off she scurries to prepare something that’s both fast and easy, something her little one will appreciate more. This creates an additional burden for the parent and others, as everyone is now unable to serve food with the disliked items or risk upsetting the child. It’s also very unhealthy for the child, as we have discussed. Overall, poor diets lead to higher rates of obesity, depression, anxiety, and hyperactivity in children.[3]
We need to guide our children through childhood and the necessary process of learning. We must teach our children how to eat healthily and appreciate the food that God provides.
It’s our job to teach them to receive their daily bread with thanksgiving.
[1] https://www.heart.org/en/news/2024/09/27/food-for-thought-how-diet-affects-the-brain-over-a-lifetime
[2] https://www.cdc.gov/nutrition/features/help-picky-eater.html
