Let’s be honest: raising kids is extremely challenging and doesn’t necessarily bring parents of young children closer together. It’s arguably one of the most stressful, endless jobs imaginable, and it doesn’t take much experience to see that it can sour a marriage. Why is that? Because kids are inherently self-centered, needy, and complex, just like any human being—only smaller and more dependent. The problem with raising children lies in starting with two imperfect parents, each with their own needs and desires, and then adding to that mix children with their own demands, conflicts, needs, and flaws. What happens at that point?
In some cases, a chaotic mess; in all cases, a monumental challenge.
Children are entirely dependent on their parents for every little thing. Are they hungry? You need to get them a snack or tell them what they can have, then contend with them if they want an unhealthy snack instead of a healthy one. Remind them to pick up after themselves and stay on task. Help them with their squabbles, listen to them about their every thought, and discipline them when they go astray (if you’re unfamiliar with sinners, this happens all too often).
Do you have an errand to run or an appointment? Make sure they put on socks, help them find their shoes, remember to bring a water bottle, and where did you put the snack? They need a bag of books packed, too, so they have something to do while you have your appointment. Is their hair brushed? Clean shirt on? Why is that room trashed after you had just cleaned it!? And this is just the very beginning. The list of “to-dos,” reminders, struggles, conversations, and demands will not end until they put their head on their pillow at night.
At that moment, you can start your timer, because you’ll have only a few hours of peace before they wake up, and then you’ll start that whole cycle over again.
If you’re using screens, constant outside activities, and/or an actual babysitter to fill countless hours with your children, this article is not for you. You have handed your job to someone or something else. You are simply co-parenting with a variety of other people or things. In that case, you will not understand what I am about to say. But if you are the person actively present with your children, caring for their every need and listening to their every thought, then you know all too well the stress and physical and emotional exhaustion I am talking about.
Women are especially prone to weariness in these situations. They notice what is going on with the children and keep track of what needs to be done. They are typically the ones at home caring for everyone; therefore, they are present for every discipline problem that arises in a day, every bicker, every unkind word. They are there. They have to deal with it.
They are also the ones the children seem to gravitate toward in all circumstances. Is there a problem? If Dad is away or at home, it doesn’t make any difference; they’re sure to find Mom. They’ll even walk right past Dad, who is doing nothing, to find Mom, who is trying to take a shower.
Without fail, full-time moms seem to handle all the hard decisions and discussions, as well as all the details of their home and their children.
Given this reality, many full-time moms find themselves battling bitterness, anger, and/or resentment. So, how should we, as Christian women, view our circumstances?
If you ask the world, you’ll hear that you should give in to the bitterness and give full vent to your rage. The world will tell you to fight this. Demand that your husband do more. Demand that he be more like you, notice everything you notice, and do everything you would do. Half and half, that’s how it should work. He should do half, and you should do half. You could be gracious and do a bit more than that, but not much, or at least not without complaining about it a good deal.
There are three main aspects to consider here.
The first is that we do need our husbands to help us with the kids. We do need them to fulfill their calling to live sacrificial lives. This point cannot be overstated. Wives do, in fact, need their husbands to lay down their lives for them.[1] God has called husbands to that, and they ought to strive towards that end. Women are the weaker vessel, and they not only desire but also require their husbands to be strong in their persistent love for them, which in turn energizes and encourages women in their calling. Christian husbands should not be lazy or selfish, and God has spoken clearly to them about this in the Bible.
The second reality is that women have been given a special declaration by God in Genesis at the Fall in the Garden of Eden. He said to Eve, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.”[2] The Hebrew word itsabon (עִצָּבוֹן) is used here for pain in childbearing, indicating not just physical pain, but grievous hardship, sorrowful toil, and incredible anxiety.
Women have been given a burden under the curse that extends beyond just conception and physical childbirth. Our pain and toil are great as we bear and raise children. We face sorrowful labor, profound suffering, and sometimes overwhelming anxiety, just as our husbands must wrestle with those same feelings as they toil in their professions out in the world. “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.”[3] The same Hebrew word itsabon (עִצָּבוֹן) is used here for men as well. So men endure painful toil in one way, and we endure it in another.
The third issue at play is that women are designed very differently from men, and those differences manifest in every aspect of our lives, most especially in child-rearing. Women naturally multitask and tend to care more about the details of home life. Women also dwell more on the past and therefore plan better to prevent future problems. Mothers are more emotionally aware than fathers and more innately connected to their children, which, among other things, can make their children’s problems feel like their own. When women personalize things, it can take its toll emotionally and physically, resulting in greater feelings of fatigue and exhaustion. Men are not wired in this way. They do not inherently notice many things we as women not only notice but consider completely obvious, nor do they naturally care about things we consider basic and essential. When we try to force our husbands to act as though they are wired the same way we are, we are bound to become frustrated and disappointed.
Husbands and wives each have their own unique callings and burdens. We support one another as best we can through our struggles and try to remember to share in one another’s sufferings, understanding that our crosses are meant for our good and that we must carry them along the path laid out for us. God help us all.
[1] Ephesians 5:25-29
[2] Genesis 3:16.
[3] Genesis 3:17
