I’ve wanted to write about this topic for a long time, but divorce is such a charged word. This topic is loaded with landmines.
Everyone has a strong opinion about it, especially those who have experienced it.
But we must discuss this topic because it has affected almost every adult in one way or another.
Most of us have known people in horrible marriages. My own grandmother’s marriage to my grandfather was marked by great verbal abuse. She never did divorce him. Many thought she should, even within our extended family. I remember my grandfather’s constant yelling and unkind words. He was relentless in his accusations and judgment of her every move.
She suffered greatly in her marriage until the bitter end, dying years before he did. And I remember the way in which she chose to face that suffering. She was a quiet woman, and she did not often fight back. She met the hurled insults with meekness and continued to do the work in front of her with diligence and an incredible amount of love. She was greatly burdened by her marriage—you could see it physically weighing her down—and yet her response was extraordinary. She faced her daily struggle with courage and valor comparable to any man on the battlefield. She did not flee the pain. She did not leave her husband for greener pastures. She took up her cross and carried it.
She was an ardent Christian.
I did not understand any of it at the time. I did not see a connection between her faith and her actions. I did not understand what she was doing or why. I only saw my grandfather’s treatment of her and resented him deeply for it. I thought to myself that I would never allow a man to speak to me in such a way. I made it my mission to ensure I was never in her position: caught in a relationship with a man who would think less of me than he did of himself. A man who would be unkind and unfeeling. Someone who was mean. I would simply divorce a man if he treated me like that. I would ensure I was treated rightly, and I’d never be used as a mat for someone else’s feet. I would fight or flee, but I would never endure. I’d rather die.
I thought myself valiant and strong for having such ideas, and she foolish.
It took me many years to realize the example she left me. It took me years to realize that what the world saw as foolishness was not so to God, and that I had learned my ideals of strength and right actions from the world and not from the Lord. I had no understanding of suffering and zero understanding of carrying a cross.
How did I learn the difference? Slowly, over time, mostly through reading the Bible. God gave us specific instructions about suffering, about service, and about turning the other cheek. God also gave us specific instructions about marriage and divorce. He did not leave this open to our interpretation or circumstances. He explained very carefully how precious marriage is in His sight. He says that the two are made into one flesh, and that no one should tear them asunder.[1] He says that divorce is permissible only if one spouse cheats on the other.[2] Permissible—meaning you don’t have to divorce in those circumstances, but you are allowed to – because the marriage bond has been broken by sexual immorality. The marriage, in other words, has already been destroyed.
But divorce is seen as an abomination in God’s sight. He detests it.[3]
Marriage is obviously not the same as dating. Marriage is something special, and no declaration by a court after the fact changes that. It is a vow—a lifetime commitment—that you make before God Himself. You are bound by that until death do you part.
Society tells us that divorce is the answer to a bad marriage. Divorce frees you from a situation you’d rather not be in. You’re struggling, your spouse isn’t treating you well, or you want them to behave differently. You’re sick of the same problems. You’re tired of battling. So you divorce, and those problems will go away.
But God knew something when He gave this command about marriage: He knew divorce doesn’t solve problems. It makes them worse. Divorce harms everyone. It destroys families. It hurts children deeply. It wounds the souls of both people in the marriage relationship.
Divorce accomplishes nothing positive, and even in the case of marital unfaithfulness, it still destroys. Divorce rips you and your family apart, severing limb from limb in a way no less dramatic than if someone took a chainsaw to a body and cut it up. Blood spurts all over everything, and the carnage and mess are undeniable to all. The ramifications are manifold. The toll is immense. Divorce is evil.
We should not approach divorce as an option, or our sinful nature will surely be sorely tempted when things get difficult. Divorce is not an answer to suffering; it simply adds to our suffering.
For those who have already been divorced, Christ’s mercy and love offer comfort, forgiving repentant hearts fully and completely. The consequences of our choices may persist, and the ramifications may remain, but free forgiveness and eternal life should bind up those wounds and encourage our downtrodden hearts. We are not bound to our sins, nor are we forever labeled by them. We are free. We are new creatures in Christ. And we should use our experiences to speak the truth to all, encouraging married couples in their vows and in their godly treatment of one another.
[1] Matt 19:6
[2] Matt 19:9 & Matt 5:32
[3] Malachi 2:16 ““For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel.”
