The Bible is the best and primary parenting book. Knowing what God says about parenting and building on that foundation is essential for Christian parents. Nothing that contradicts God’s Word must be allowed a space in our lives. There is an idea out there that the Bible does not speak about parenting and that we have before us a wide-open space of unguided, completely personalized decision-making. This is why we can go hither and thither from parenting book to parenting book and incorporate whatever we wish that sounds good and feels right.
The problem with this is that the Bible does talk about parenting and discipline. We can investigate what God says about this incredibly important calling of parenting Christian children, and about disciplining them in particular so that we can build our views as parents on a firm foundation; otherwise, we will be building only on our personalized and modernized notions, on popular opinion, or the latest currently trending parenting book. Before we can begin, we must establish the full truth of God’s Word: we may not pick and choose what we want to take from it; rather, we must take it all. If we do not, we are (consciously or unconsciously) viewing the Bible as not infallible. It has, in other words, errors. It has things that either God said but didn’t really mean, or he didn’t say what it says. Not in the way the text reads anyway. We cannot take him at his word, you see. We can understand his meaning much better through the wise and learned theologians of our time who are certain God meant something else, something more palatable. Something, in fact, entirely different.
Our desires, opinions, and culture must be put to the side until we establish what God has said, and then we must fit everything onto that foundation and not allow anything that goes against that Word into our lives. If we cannot square our choices with God’s Word, our choices must change. If we cannot square our viewpoint with God’s Word, we don’t change His Word; we change our viewpoint. Now that we have laid the foundation necessary, let us delve into a discussion on parental godly discipline of children.
What does the Scripture say about disciplining our children? Let’s start there:
Pr 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Pr 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”
Pr 29:17 “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
Pr 5:23 “He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.”
Pr 23:13-14 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.”
Pr 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Pr 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame.”
Pr 3:11-12 “My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD or loathe His rebuke, for whom the LORD loves those He disciplines, just as a father disciplines the son in whom he delights.”
Hebrews 12:7-11 “[…] For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined like all the others, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them. Shall we not much rather submit to God, so that we may receive discipline and not be destroyed? They disciplined us for a short time, as seemed best to them, but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. For the moment discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Titus 1:6 “An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.”
There are a few things we can take away immediately from even just a cursory read of these verses. The first is that children’s behaviors are, in fact, the parent’s responsibility. If it were not, then parents would not be commanded by God to “diligently” discipline them, nor would elders in the church be held responsible for ensuring their children were obedient (and believers). Two, the messaging in the Bible opposes the modern American understanding of loving discipline. Modern American understanding is that discipline is best done through words or avoidance, because time will correct erring hearts, and children can’t learn in any other way. But the Bible says otherwise. American popular opinion would say that there are some children who need discipline and others who don’t. But the Bible says differently there, too. There is no exception in the Bible because no child is less sinful than any other child.[1] God repeats the command in His Word, and it is repeated to all parents of all children at all times. This does not mean corporal punishment must or should be employed for every infraction, but it does mean it will sometimes be necessary and is essential for godly discipline. And thirdly, discipline comes from and promotes love between a parent and their child.
To understand this, discipline must first be considered for what it is, which is an aspect, or an outflow, of loving a sinful child; and not for what it isn’t, which is abusing a child. The two words (discipline and abuse) are conflated in many conversations today, and we will demonstrate how they are not just different from one another but in opposition to each other.
Discipline is when a parent seeks to correct the erring and sinful heart of their child for the precise purpose of keeping that child from harming themselves through the effects of unchecked sin. Meaning discipline is an outflow of love towards the child. A godly parent cares about their child’s heart and recognizes the severity of sin’s impact on that child spiritually, physically, and mentally. They acknowledge the reality that sin, which goes unrecognized and undisciplined, is damaging, and because the parent loves the child, they address the sin. The Bible speaks of what happens when we refuse to obey God’s instructions on disciplining our children: “He who spares the rod hates his son.” Sparing the rod when required creates division in the end. How so? As unchecked sin grows (and, as previously discussed, sin always grows), it divides us from God and from one another. Not only does a lack of discipline create division, but it also reveals a darker truth about the parent: they do not understand love, as Proverbs clearly states.[2] St. Thomas Aquinas understood love well when he wrote, “To love is to will the good of the other.”[3] Love is caring enough about someone else to do what is best for them, even if it is difficult or distasteful to us.
If one abuses a child, one is injuring that child physically or psychologically. Full stop. And that is unacceptable and evil. Typically, a person is doing this in order to control that child. The abusive parent wants obedience to their wishes, demands, or entitled desires precisely because they are their own wishes, demands, and desires. They are playing god—and an evil god at that. They want to be top dog for the sake of being the most powerful one in the room. They enjoy crushing opposition because it infringes on their identity and power. Abuse seeks to harm and to do so for the sake of the self. Abuse is not loving and does not bring about godly sorrow and repentance. Abuse itself stems from hatred, anger, and selfishness, and that is exactly what it produces in its victims. Abusive people hate the object of their displeasure, whether they realize it or not, and are angry not at the sin, but at the child for their perceived imperfections of failing to reach their own subjective standard.
Discipline, on the other hand, stems from an opposite source. Discipline stems from love and selflessness and is always—always—tied immediately to forgiveness. A Christian parent disciplines their child even though it causes them pain to do so, and they would rather not have to. Their discipline is put up against the Word of God, and they must treat their child as a person equal to themselves and as worthy of total forgiveness after repentance as they are. Godly parents care about the things that break God’s laws, not because they falsely believe good behavior will earn them salvation, but because they desire to protect their child from the harm that comes through sin. They carefully watch over their child, taking on the role of reflecting God’s role in their own lives. Just as a husband seeks to reflect Christ’s relationship to his bride and the church in his marriage, Christian parents should seek to reflect God’s watchfulness, care, and love for their children. A Christian parent has been, and continues to be, disciplined by God in love and patient understanding, but disciplined, nonetheless. God does not harm them, control them, or abuse them. He disciplines them and draws them back to himself, always offering them free forgiveness. Likewise, parents should seek to be benevolent, kind, and loving towards their own child at all times and faithful in executing the duties of their office.
In Deuteronomy, parents are told to impress the Lord’s commands on the hearts of their children: “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”[4] Impressing the commands of the Lord is not bashing your child over the head with the law. Impressing the commands is to recognize God’s Word as a gift to your child’s knowledge and understanding, for fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, as said in the Psalms, Proverbs, and Job.[5] We want to impart the truth of God’s Word and instill in our children the habit of repentance, so that they may grow ever stronger in the Faith, producing much fruit and relying always on their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to rescue them from every affliction and to bring them safely to himself on the last day.
Christian parents know they cannot eradicate sin from their child’s heart, but that does not make them any less diligent in addressing every single sinful issue every single time. Why should we view discipline this way? Precisely because God views discipline this way. Think of it: God is himself love,[6] and God disciplines us consistently and as needed, as is written about repeatedly in the Bible. Scripture goes on to say, “For he [God] does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.”[7] So he does not delight in disciplining us and causing us any pain, but he does so because he must do it since our sinful nature requires it. C.S. Lewis describes this experience as a good surgeon who operates despite the entreaties of his patient to stop, because he knows he must continue for the patient’s own good. [8] The Lord continues working on us as we walk through this life, and he does not ignore or dismiss anything that seeks to draw us away from him.
If God is love, and God engages in discipline, then it is by definition loving to discipline our children, and we should do so in alignment with His Word. We know God disciplines because the Bible speaks of it often and says that anyone who does not receive the Lord’s discipline, “and everyone undergoes discipline,” is an illegitimate son and not an heir.[9]Discipline is not, in other words, only for some people. It is for all people because it is necessary for all people. Why is it necessary? Because sin invades all people, and sin is not a stagnant thing. It is very much like a weed, which, if allowed to grow, will take root deeper and deeper into the soil and will choke the healthy plants around it. It is destructive, and while it destroys, it also hardens the hearts of those who actively engage with it. God is diligent in caring about these sins, and we as parents strive to also be diligent watchmen over our children, remembering that they are precious little blessings given to us so that we might raise them up in the Faith. We know we cannot do this of our own power and might. He alone can do it, and he will do it, for he is our good and loving heavenly Father who has promised, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”[10] We hold tightly to his promises for us and for our children.
[1] “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” -Romans 3:23
“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” Psalm 51:5
[2] “He who spares the rod hates his son.”- Proverbs 13:24
[3] St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica
[4] Deuteronomy 6
[5] Proverbs 9:10, Proverbs 1:7, Psalm 111:10, Job 28:28.
[6] 1 John 4:8
[7] Lamentations 3:33
[8] C.S. Lewis The Case for Christianity
[9] Hebrews 12:8
[10] Hebrews 13:5
One of the best resources I’ve come across. Very useful and well-written.