Send in the Monkeys, or Modern “Parenting”

Kids are raised as if they’re monkeys these days. Given whatever they want, and taught virtually nothing. Parents leave their children to figure out the world, right behavior, and morals all by themselves. That’s the new norm. Don’t actually parent them. Just watch them raise themselves. 

I spoke recently with a man and his wife who live in our neighborhood. Very nice people. They have a 2-year-old daughter (about the same age as my youngest). They told me, as she stood there eating a cookie at dinnertime, that she will only eat cookies these days. That’s it. She doesn’t want anything else. So that’s what they give her. All day, every day. They laughed as they talked in front of their daughter (who, by the way, listened intently the entire time) about how stubborn she was and how she refused to obey them and eat anything else.

Why people do this I will never understand. They talk in front of their child about their awful behavior and how at a loss they are, as if their child is a total idiot who doesn’t understand a single word they’re saying. The child, of course, understands exactly what they are saying and is taking it all in. They are processing the fact that their parent expects them to be bad. They expect the child to disobey. And they feel powerless to stop them. So, of course, the child continues fulfilling that expectation. 

This couple said that they talked to the pediatrician about this issue, and they were told it’s ok, it’s just a “phase”. So, they just let her eat cookies and they have convinced themselves that she’ll eventually “grow out of it.” Based on what evidence, I don’t know. I’ve yet to see a child who is picky and suddenly decides, on their own, to become a great eater. Usually they just become pickier and pickier and pickier. But this lingo is all part of typical modern parenting. Leave it up to “fate”. It’s all chance how your kid turns out. They’re basically just like an animal: you get what you get.

How is it acceptable in our society to tell a parent to allow their child to harm themselves? And that’s what it is. It is harmful for a child mentally and physically to have a poorly balanced diet. It is well known that a poor diet, especially one consisting purely of sugar, leads to all sorts of diseases and attention problems. It harms them to raise themselves because they don’t know how to do it.

Modern parenting allows your child to decide pretty much everything, and when the decisions cause physical harm to themselves or others, you’re told that’s ok. It’s “just a phase” or it is “normal”. Your child doesn’t like flossing? That’s ok. Let them not floss. Your child wants to become a different gender? That’s ok, let them mutilate their bodies. Your child wants you to eat mac and cheese and chicken tenders for every meal? That’s ok. It’s “normal”. You child wants to watch hours of TV or play video games all day? Don’t worry about what’s actually objectively best for them. That’s not your job. It’s THEIR job to decide what’s best for them. Because, you know, kids are really good at doing that. 

Modern parenting is actually NOT parenting. The foundation of modern parenting is this: your child is the boss. You answer to your child. 

I’ve seen it countless times. A child demands, and the parent immediately obeys. Things like going to a park with a friend and their child. If the child demands that the parent come push them on a swing or play with them, they will stop their conversation with you to obey the screaming demands of their child. They don’t tell their child “No”. They don’t teach their child that they cannot be served all the time, and that their child needs to take a back seat right now. No, no, that would be bad parenting. Good parenting is when your child yells “JUMP!” you say “How high?” And if your child doesn’t want you to have a conversation, then you obey immediately. After all, that’s being a good Mom, right? Obedience to your child. Compliance to their demands. 

You ARE allowed to beg, plead, and bribe your child—that’s fine and is actually societally commendable. Spend 10 minutes explaining to a defiant toddler why they should really not be yelling in your face that they won’t come home with you from a friend’s house, and kicking their legs on the floor and hitting you. I’ve even know toddlers to draw blood from their mothers. And that’s fine, apparently. Your entire goal the whole time should JUST be to “stay sweet and calm”, because that is the highest good as a parent. Obviously, I’m not saying you should yell (you shouldn’t). You should, however, ensure you stop the behavior and teach them not to do that behavior again.

My personal favorite part in these scenes is the inevitable ending: zero change in the child’s defiant, hateful behavior. Literally NOTHING has changed. Nothing. Because of course, why would it? We all knew how this would end the moment it started. The writing was on the wall. The mom started off by clearly showing that she didn’t intend to be the parent. She intended to simply put forward her opinion, like she would with another adult, and the child clearly disagrees with it. So she is left simply hoping for compliance and understanding, which the child already made perfectly clear they will not be giving. Right from the very beginning the child made this perfectly clear.

The rebellious child has no intention of caving to such a mushy push-over, and the whole scene ends with not having their sin addressed at all. Even if the mom takes the child out the door and brings them home, the child has still won the internal battle. They’ve been allowed to hate and rebel in their hearts and that has been completely overlooked. Had the child been large enough, they would have won the physical battle too.  The weed of hate is growing strongly and steadily in their hearts. They are completely unchanged.

Don’t discipline your child. Do not make your child learn to wait, to be respectful, to obey, to eat well…. Somehow, we’ve been taught in this American culture (and most American parents have actually accepted this) that being a parent—a person who teaches their child how to behave—is not the job of a parent at all. 

Being a good parent in America today means focusing on you and your career so you can make enough money in order for your child to do all sorts of activities outside of the house. Being a good parent in modern American means sending your child to school so that other people can deal with them and teach them for you, and if you say you’re doing it so they can be “socialized”, that’s all the explanation that is needed. That one magic word makes your decision to put them into an institution that is clearly failing, and which is clearly ruining children’s hearts and minds, into a good decision. And it will cause everyone to nod their heads and agree with you. Your role as a parent today is simply to feed your kids whatever they want, and to ensure they have a device to keep them happy. Taking cool family vacations is a plus. Laughing at their bad behavior is preferred, but ignoring it is equally acceptable. 

Today’s parenting standard is to coo softly at your child when they do the vilest things. I’ve seen it for myself—children hurting other children intentionally and violently, being cruel and hurtful to their siblings in front of their parents, or openly disrespecting their parents only to have their mom respond with either absolute *silence* or at best an exasperated “Johnny!!!!”. And when Johnny responds by continuing to be a little brat, they ignore Johnny and continue on with life. They don’t stop the behavior, and on the rare times they do, they don’t ensure Johnny doesn’t go do the same thing again. They do not watch Johnny to ensure that he continues to obey. They just focus back on themselves as quickly as possible.

Usually the “how difficult this one child is” sob story starts around now. The idea seems to be that some children are bigger sinners than others, which is a complete lie. All children are difficult, in their own ways. And you are not exempt from your job because your child tries your patience and requires constant work. That’s just called raising a sinner and being a sinner yourself: it is hard work to face it. That’s what happens when you have this job. You run into many difficulties and you have to struggle. Embrace it. That’s life. 

Emptiness fills the space where lessons could have been learned and behaviors stopped. Why have people bought into this type of parenting? It clearly doesn’t work and makes a fool of the parent and a beast of the child. Scripture is right when it discusses how lack of discipline creates hatred between a parent and their child, because that’s exactly what is does. And it also creates hatred towards children in everyone else who has to be around these undisciplined, rude, disrespectful young people. This is a shame because well behaved children bring a uniquely pure joy to everyone they come into contact with. I’ve seen this with my own children who I struggle every day, every hour, every minute, to continually teach how to behave and how to treat others and who therefore DO treat others well. Adults light up after interacting with them and desire to be around them. We’ve had many adults go out of their way to become a part of our children’s lives because of how much joy they bring them. Not because they’re “perfect” (no one is and that isn’t the standard!) but because they are well-behaved, and well-behaved kids are amazingly fun to be around. They are regularly complimented on their behavior in public and their joyful hearts are clearly contagious to those around them. They bring happiness, not anger or annoyance, to strangers in a special way that children are capable of when they aren’t overcome by unchecked sin in their hearts due to poor parenting.

Last night we went to a Mexican restaurant with my mother-in-law. The waiter told us twice how thankful and surprised he was to see such well behaved children. He said he has been a waiter for 30 years and he just doesn’t see kids like this anymore. My kids didn’t do anything that I consider major. They sat in their chairs, looked him in the eyes and thanked him with a “Thank you, Sir” when he placed things in front of them or took things away, and answered him politely if he spoke to them. That’s it. Why is that so shocking? That should be basic. But it’s not anymore. People don’t teach their kids to do simple, polite behaviors anymore. They don’t give their kids any guidance about how to behave towards other adults (or children). 

The children who are not disciplined have a heaviness about them—a darkness. They are not happy children. They are not lighthearted and carefree. They don’t bounce around with the lighthearted joy I see in disciplined children whose parents look carefully after their behaviors. I’ve noticed these “wild” kids don’t smile very much, and are usually complaining or upset or in the middle of a new demand or fighting with someone. This is so sad.

Children don’t have to live like this. They just need us to parent.