It all comes down to control. We desperately crave control on a fundamental level, and this desire manifests itself in innumerable ways. We want things on our terms, in our timing, and we are sure that we know how things will turn out. We think we can see the future with great clarity—that’s why we must wrestle and struggle for control. Our financial security and our happiness depend upon it.
Control is the desire that causes worry and anxiety about what will happen, and this significantly influences our choices in the present.
When we seek control, we are not truly trusting the Lord at all. We may say with our lips that we rely on Him, but our hearts are far from Him.
We are instead practicing self-reliance and telling ourselves a lie: that we are in control of our lives and know what is best. The problem is that we are not as wise as we think. We are, in fact, incredibly foolish, and the evidence of that is littered throughout our past.
How many times have you made decisions you believed were smart, necessary, or beneficial at the time, but ended up being harmful or disastrous in the long run? How often have you acted on what seemed like a great idea in the past, only to later regret it?
Have you ever looked back on your life and seen things in a completely different way now that time has gone by?
Chances are you’ve experienced this more than once. You’ve likely seen this in every aspect of your life, from personal relationships and family dynamics to parenting choices, your goals and aspirations, your career and work relationships, how you manage your money, and even the food you eat. In no area have you shown an unwavering ability to see things as they truly are, to choose rightly, or to make intelligent, sound decisions in any part of your life.
You are not the poster child for wisdom. You are the poster child for imprudence and foolishness.
That’s true for all of us. Time gives us a perspective we simply cannot experience in the present. And because we are sinful human beings, we naturally see things through a temporary, materialistic lens where pleasure and control are the highest goods and sacrifice, duty, and Godliness do not factor into our aspirations.
This is where God and His Word come into play. God is here to tell us what is objectively true, what is best, and about the reality we cannot naturally see or understand. And that ultimate reality is that we are not in control of everything. We are, in fact, not in control of anything.
He has drawn the line in the sand and says to us, in essence, ‘I am in control. I am in charge of the future, and that should give you relief. This truth gives you freedom to rest in me. You can choose. You don’t have to take the world on your shoulders. You don’t need to manipulate everything. I have determined good for you already, and I am working all things toward that end. Do not battle for control. Rest in me.’
In Proverbs, it says, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”[1]
Our past proves that we make wrong decisions all the time on our own. We are foolish, arrogant, and incredibly short-sighted.
The lesson? We are, in fact, merely mortal human beings. We should not play God. We cannot take His role, and we are only playing poorly at dress-up when we try. He is the only one who controls everything. He alone knows what is best for us, and only He can determine how things will turn out. He is the only one able to see the whole picture. Like a weaver, he it taking the threads of our experiences and weaving them into a beautiful tapestry. We are right up close though, seeing only the individual threads with no idea how this final image will turn out. We simply do not have His perspective.
He is the one in control of life and death. That is His domain. He never intended for you to take His place and doesn’t take kindly to it when you try, mainly because it’s reckless and harms only you.
This brings us to a discussion about IVF, sex, and determining for yourself how many kids you should have. Rare is the pastor who will dip a toe into these waters. They are verboten.
This is because these topics are deeply unpopular, and we have been successfully secularized. By the deafening silence, the church seems to share the same views as pagans on these issues. We need to discuss them more often because almost everyone walking into church is dealing with one or more of these issues. Most Christians now engage in sex outside of marriage, nearly all are committed to having the exact number of children they planned, and many see no issue with IVF.
These are not three separate issues, as they might initially appear. They are interconnected. Sex outside of marriage is a rejection of God’s commands and plans for humanity. Sex is not just for pleasure. It is a sacred union between one man and one woman, a union God has intended for the procreation of children.
Now you ask: who gives the children? Are you the creator of life, working this miracle on your own, or is it a gift from God? It cannot be both a gift and your own doing. And reality is, life is a gift from God. God produces that miracle Himself. Children come directly from Him. They are a blessing and a heritage. Out of a desire for control, our sinful nature would rather take sex and make it what we want it to be: a self-fulfilling experience rather than a practice in self-giving and trust in the Lord. But God has woven sex together with having children for a reason–He wants us to practice that trust and experience His blessings.
IVF is an offshoot of this way of thinking. We will determine when and how to have a child. We see ourselves as our own gods. “If I want a child and God has not given me one, I’ll take it by force. I’ll create life in a test tube and implant it into a body so I can have it. No one is going to tell me what I can and can’t have, most especially not God!” That’s the idea. And after all, if you believe you get to determine life, why doesn’t this follow? You know what’s best for you and can see into your future so perfectly and so clearly. You believe you know when the timing is right. You believe you ought to have a child. You think this is best for the future you’re imagining. So, you need to make sure it happens.
Control.
You are grasping at control.
My husband and I struggled to trust God about children when we were first married. We believed the secular idea that we should decide when to have kids, and that it should be after a few years of marriage. We thought we needed that alone time to really get to know each other as a married couple. So, we waited. After our first child, the question became, what about a second? When should we try for another baby? Was it a bad idea to be open to having another child so soon? What should we do to prevent pregnancy if we should wait?
We went back and forth about this.
I finally remember asking myself if it could be wrong to trust God. I couldn’t imagine reaching heaven and hearing God say, “You fool! Why did you trust me?”
To this day, I know this is true. God will never reprimand me for trusting in Him.
My husband and I prayed about it, and we became open to having more children in our family. This was frightening mainly because we truly couldn’t afford more kids at the time, and I also felt like an oddball. People often asked about our “plans” for children, and I had none. I had no clue how everything would turn out or what God might do. I couldn’t sit there pretending to know the future. I was leaving things to God, and most people thought that was extremely foolish.
What was the result of willingly trusting God? A lifetime of obvious miracles and a deep peace and comfort from not feeling burdened by the need to be in control and guess the future anymore.
We experienced five wonderful children and endured the loss of three. Looking back, I realize that we probably wouldn’t have had many of those children if we had followed secular ideas about sex and having children. After losing my first son, I was devastated and sank into a deep depression. I never believed I could be happy again. The pain was so intense that I felt I might die. Part of me wanted to die. I was terrified of losing another child. I was so scared that, for a while, I wouldn’t even let my children leave the house without me. I was afraid that God might take one or all of them from me at any time. I lived in constant fear.
Despite everything, we remained open to life, and soon after our son Martin died, God sent me another daughter. After her birth, two more children were conceived and passed away, and then my final daughter was born. My children have given our family something I can’t fully express. Every parent understands what I am talking about. Each child brings such a unique joy all their own, and a dynamic that no one else brings into the family. Each child has been the greatest blessing I have ever known, a part of the family I can’t imagine living without.
When you choose to trust God, He shows Himself to you. You see Him work out impossible situations and get to see that He knew the future all along. You witness Him providing abundantly for you, and because you trusted Him instead of relying on your own plans and control, you can recognize that it’s been His doing all along. He has given you clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and home, wife and children, and everything you have.[2] He has done it all, not you.
This means that He is working for you and not against you. What a realization that is for the sin-sick, weary heart!
Our God is not the great clockmaker. He doesn’t just put everything into motion and then stand back. He is in and throughout everything. He is working in everything for you. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”[3]
There is no moment in which He is not present, and there is nothing in the future out of His control. You are allowed to rest. Rest in Him. Let go of control. Allow the Lord to lead you, knowing the plans He has for you are good.
[1] Proverbs 19:21
[2] Martin Luther’s Small Catechism
[3] Romans 8:28
