Have you ever been plagued by your parenting failures? If you’re a Christian, you understand the singular, heavy weight of the guilt that I am talking about. You’ve likely had many nights where you tossed and turned, as thoughts of the past day, weeks, months, or years haunt you on replay.
You recall times when you have sinned against your child. You’ve had bad days, horrible weeks, periods of conflict, and misplaced priorities. You remember shouting at your son or daughter, slamming doors, snapping at them when you shouldn’t have, dismissing them when they needed you, failing to remind them of God’s forgiveness, not teaching them about the Lord as you ought, or squandering your time mindlessly instead of engaging in meaningful conversation with them.
You remember when you put yourself first and acted as a terrible example to your child in every possible way. You feel as though you can recall every single one of those sins, every experience of failure, and that they have impressed themselves on your memory like a hot branding iron. Your mind has been marked. You have been scarred, and you recognize that it was your own doing.
When we become parents, we are provided with a unique window into the kind of love God has for us and the kind of love we ought to have for every single human being on earth. This is the training ground in every possible way, and it begins with teaching us how to love others well.
That’s because the love we feel for our children is intense and naturally consumes us. This love doesn’t require any effort on our part to exist. It is simply there, regardless of what we do. This love is inherently selfless. It pulls us toward sacrifice and encourages us to prioritize someone else’s good above our own. We would die for our child in an instant, and give them all we have, because our love for them is so great, so overflowing, so eternal. We find ourselves forgiving them easily when they sin against us because love “keeps no record of wrongs.”[1] It feels natural to love them in this way.
Such a profound love pursues us with guilt when we sin against it, pulling us, often kicking and screaming, to repentance because we cannot tolerate the pain the guilt causes our hearts. We seek a remedy. We want the pain, the negative thoughts, to stop. We cannot bear it when we sin against the object of our love.
The main challenge for Christian parents who recognize their sins and failures is how to approach and accept forgiveness after being pursued by guilt.
This is especially difficult when sin has real-life consequences. For example, imagine a parent who spends years being short-tempered with their child, yelling at them, and exploding over the most minor things. They might know they are sinning at the time, but they don’t stop themselves. They push aside their conscience and don’t repent or apologize; instead, they let anger rule their heart day after day, year after year. Over time, they see their child become equally irritable and explosive, yet they fail to address their child’s sin because they are struggling with the same issues. Years pass, the child grows up, leaves home, and now their temper is on full display for everyone to see. The child’s spouse complains about it, the grandchildren suffer because of it, and even the parent themselves bears the brunt of the firestorms more often than they would like. The child’s temper affects their work life, their personal life, and even their relationship with God. In this scenario, a parent may well wrestle with forgiveness.
They realize this behavior was a direct result of both their actions and inactions as they raised their child, and no matter what society tells them about how their grown children are responsible for their own actions and behaviors, they know deep down where it all started and what they should have done differently. They know, in fact, that they do bear guilt, even as their child bears guilt for participating in sin. This is something all Christian parents must face in one way or another because it is inevitable that we will fail.
We are profoundly sinful and depraved, and parenting has illuminated the darkest parts of our souls, revealing how deep this depravity goes. We never realized that we could be so heartless, selfish, lazy, prideful, and stubborn. Before we had kids, we often felt pretty good about ourselves because we could organize our lives just so, which made us appear like pretty good people.
Whenever we did sin, we could quickly make excuses and blame others. After all, we aren’t usually that way; we were just that way for a moment because so and so did this or that. And what a person so and so is!
It was easier to avoid what annoyed us or to steer clear of those who demanded too much from us before we had children. We could cut ties with friends or claim we were too busy. We organized our lives so carefully that we could believe from our limited interactions with others that we were very selfless, accommodating, and good-natured people. But God saw through all of that, and as C.S. Lewis writes, he is the good surgeon who will not stop cutting until he has achieved the goal of the operation. He is trying to remove the disease. He cannot ignore it, and he will not let you ignore it either. For this reason, and many others, he has given you a child, one he loves. He has given you a person made in his own image, for whom he died, and whom he longs to bring into his kingdom. He has placed a love for this child in your heart so fierce that their very existence compels you to continue with the operation.
Once you have children, you must confront who you are in your full, miserable glory. From the time of their birth, you are thrown into a life where you are constantly needed, used, and often unappreciated, and yet there is no escape. Your sinful nature rears its head. You are not used to dying to yourself daily, but your child expects that, and in fact, demands it. Your love for your child calls you to it, reminding you of it all the time. You no longer have the autonomy to do what you wish whenever you wish to do it. You are no longer the captain of an empty ship, steering it when and where you like, looking after only yourself and your own interests. You are instead suddenly steering the most precious cargo the world has ever known. You are acutely aware of every obstacle, obstruction, and danger. The full weight of everything going on around you now presses down on you, making you even more irritable and tired than you were before. Your sinful nature screams at you the whole time. It never stops. And you hear those screams, calling you back to your selfish ways and inward focus. And every time you give in to your sinful nature, guilt assails you. It beats you and threatens to hold you hostage. “You see how you failed your duty? Your child would have been better off without you.” “You have wrecked your ship. No one can repair it. You are doomed and so are they.”
You have two choices here. You can be a Judas or a Peter. Both men sinned greatly by betraying their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and both were assailed by extreme guilt. One despaired of forgiveness and did not accept it. He went and hung himself. The other man, realizing what he had done, went away and wept bitterly. Peter came back to Jesus, repenting and asking for forgiveness. When he received it, he believed in it. He clung to it. He took refuge in it.
You, dear parent, have received forgiveness for every misdeed and every wrong you have committed, even those done against the one you love so much. The devil wants you to live in the past and in the future, the two areas where you cannot have any impact and where God has commanded you not to dwell. This will only lead you to despair.
Live only in this one moment. “Every day is fresh, with no mistakes in it…yet.” to quote Anne of Green Gables. This is true, but it’s not just about every day; it’s about each new moment. The minute you read this, it is a completely new moment, untouched by failure and sin. God’s grace abounds for you and for your child in this new moment. Live by the power of the Holy Spirit, who is the only one strong enough to proceed forward in any positive way.
Start today anew, hiding in the shadow of his wing,[2] and refusing to look back at the past. God is with you, and not against you, and he is mighty against your foe who seeks to throw your sins forever in your face, even after God has thrown them into the depths of the sea.[3] Accept the forgiveness that is waiting for you, call on God to help you in this next minute as you seek to follow the Lord. Pray for your child. Pray fervently for them and for their salvation. If they have left the faith, and you are despairing of their ever returning to it, remember: he has done greater things than this. Bringing them back to the faith is not beyond his desire or ability.
“The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.”[4]
First published with Reformed Dogmatika.
[1] 1 Corinthians 13:5
[2] Psalm 91:1-2
[3] Romans 8:31, Psalm 89:23, and Micah 7:19
[4] 1 Thessalonians 5:24
